February 2011
48 posts
realization
ive come to realize just how spoiled ive gotten. i get to talk to, see, laugh and be completely normal with my boyfriend every single day, i get to sleep with him, i get to wake up and see him first thing. i cant help but think of how many people in our situation dont have that luxury. people who are lucky for even a phone call from the person that they love and here i am being blessed with the...
January 2011
50 posts
out with the old
finally got my belated grad/birthday/christmas gift and needless to say i am happy to be typing this from my pretty new macbook, thank goodness though, my poor old dell was on the brink of laptop suicide. rip
have you ever seen anyone die? yeah, I see myself die everyday
don’t ask someone what is wrong and not be prepared to handle what they have to say
i could really use
my boyfriend, in my bed, holding me. okay, cliche girlfriend post over now.
why does it always seem like when you give someone your complete and undivided attention, they seem to take a step back and don’t reciprocate it but when you decide that you’ve had enough and remove yourself from the situation, they want everything to do with you? i think i need to take a step back myself.
brothers
i sat down to watch a movie with my parents, it was a movie called brothers, a war movie i guess you could say. perhaps, a depiction of life after war is a bit more accurate. the lead character was in the usmc and after becoming a prisoner of war and killing his comrade at the command of his captors suffers from sever ptsd upon returning home. it scared the hell out of me. my parents just kept...
wow
i did it again. good lord i am a raging bitch. after whats hes been through tonight and i have the nerve to sit here upset. i dont even know what to say……
i am so frustrated right now i feel like crying. im trying so hard to give 100% here but fuck i can only do so much
drumming song
louder than sirens, louder than bells, sweeter than heaven, hotter than hell
i understand what is happening now. it always comes to this
in my opinion
there is no better way to fall asleep than to the sound of the voice of which i love the most, singing me to dream. I am so extremely blessed
i feel like a monster. its just that after all this time i want someone to wait for me. stay up and wait for whats convenient for me, to feel so absolutely needed. im a monster because i ask too much of everyone and i obsess and i worry and i let so many things eat and consume me. i am a monster befit for a cage, out of sight our of mind. i think i need help
i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant
“i have places to go” “well you’ll go there but, i just might have to carry you”
^ that is what im happy to have
when you have too much time for someone but they dont have enough time for you. damn
sometimes when you’re sleeping, i’ll look at you and for a second you’re still that skinny pale kid with the camouflage vans and dark band shirts that i met when i was 13….
“i just need to know that your not going to wake up in the morning and feel differently”
“i cant give you that, no one can”
i dont believe that
being content is a nice change of pace
”my closet is so full of your sorrys that i cant get to my own”
you know what
no, fuck, just no.
i am ecstatic! i just found all of my little japanese goodies and knick knacks which includes cutesy little postcards and pictures and purikura and bookmarks and cheesy tourist-ey things that make me smile and miss nippon.
i feel fixed
like scar tissue around a wound, eventually i wont be able to feel a thing
i really wish i wasn’t so piss poor at communicating. the only way i can convey any type of discernible emotion is through writing. im hopeless
sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun
I spend so much time dishing out forgiveness to others that i don’t save any for myself
what do i do? because please, if you know, give me an inch here……
after all the bullshit that past few days im going to sit on my ass, feast on these pumpkin cheesecake bar things i made and watch across the universe and enjoy every last minute of not giving a fuck. i really just need march and then i need boston with my best friend in june. please oh please
this is one of those “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” moments. fuck
im doubtful
that you’ll ever understand the full magnitude of importance that the little things hold. its those little reminders that have so much weight.
i love you
every single time someone tells me to stop worrying i’d love if, just for a second, they would try and forget how to breathe or to walk or communicate or something that is completely natural to them. i worry, alot. if theres a way, ill worry about it. its simple really. the past few years have taught me particularly that when i think something isnt worth worrying about, it really is. right...
sleeping and dreaming and dreaming and sleeping
smothering
the feeling you get when you realize that...
……yeah.
